Well, here I am again. First post of the year (and about time, too.)
This starts off as my story.
I am not a very good or a very nice person. I am extremely weird. I have a pretty low opinion of myself. I have had depression for the last several months, for many different reasons which I'm not really going to go into as I don't even know all the reasons. So anyway, lately I've been talking to an amazing friend of mine. We see many things differently, but she has helped me a lot. I have another really good friend that has also been helping me a ton. Now, both these girls have been on my case. They told me I didn't need to have such a low opinion of myself. And I knew they were right, I just didn't really know what to do about it. But I decided I would try. (Frankly, it's downright exhausting to dislike yourself and beat yourself up all the time.) So I tried to change my view of me. I tried to think better of myself. And I didn't realize it until recently, but this was not working out at all. And while I was so busy trying to change my view of me, I started changing myself, too, and not in a good way.
I had the sudden realization that, surprise, surprise! I wasn't happy with the girl I was becoming. She - that is, me - has been becoming more obnoxious than ever. I've been more prone to babbling to my siblings about useless things and not taking the time to truly listen to them. I've let my near-constant tiredness effect how I respond to others. I've found myself caring less and less about things and people and their problems than I used to. And there's other changes that I can't think of right now, but they weren't good ones. All in all, I like myself even less than I did before I set out to change my view. So my journey of self-discovery or whatever you would call it failed epically. Because I was too focused on me.
I thought I was surrendered to Christ. I really did. I surrendered at camp. I re-surrendered more than once since. But while I said the words and felt good about it and thought I was doing the "right thing", the "Christian thing", I didn't actually move from my place at the helm of my heart. I stayed there. Today, I realized that there was a lot God didn't have a say in. If me trying to live my own life and embrace who I am and so on is only leading to frustration, exhaustion, and hopelessness, maybe it's time for a change.
I don't want 2016 to be a repeat of last year. I learned a lot through my struggles in 2015, and I know God will use those lessons in my life. But I want to move on to a new page and not have to repeat those lessons. Michelle being the captain didn't end so well.
So I'm done. I'm done living for me. I'm done living my story.
I want this to be a year of surrender.
God, this is Your year to work a miracle in the life of a distraught almost 17-year-old weirdo. This is Your year to make something beautiful out of a huge mess. This is the year I start living Your story, instead of my own.
This is Your year to have all of me.
